Thursday, 21 August 2008

Latifah. Retire. Please.

Just in case you haven't seen the distressingly bad new offering from Queen Latifah - here you go.



This rather cynical little video is so wrong on so many levels I don't know where to begin. I will list my issues with it forthwith.

1. When 2 become 1...


Using the certifiably insane Mariah as your style guide has to mean you are also insane. If anyone were questioning my thinking on Mariah's insanity you clearly haven't heard 'I'll be loving you long time' - no, I didn't make it up and it's featuring LL Cool J (he can join Latifah in the retirement home) and Ghostface (Mr Rent A Verse can join Mariah in the loony bin for this one)

2. Apparently if you're middle aged and not a great singer the best thing to do is try to channel Mary J, loose some weight and have very very shiny blond hair - please see Faith Evans for ref.
NB Miss Evans is about to release a book originally entitled 'Keep The Faith" which details how she cheated on Biggie but not with 2Pac. Whatever. At least she'll make more from it than she ever did singing or sleeping around and she can retire too.

3. There is something really dark and weird about Queen Latifah (a middle aged lady who let's face it probably doesn't have a particular affinity for the gym) dancing around like your aunty trying to be cool, surrounded by weird producer types pretending to like the terrible song, to a back drop of Olympic athletes, whilst singing lyrics that include:

I don't even care no more
That's my word, that's for sure
I don't even cry no more
That's absurd, I'm so cured

I'm so secure with who I is,
oops who I am
And I'm a champion for sure boy
I'm a champ
oh yes I am

(Click here for the full lyrics)

It was clearly written by everyone's favourite - Eli Porter (of "I'm da bes mayne, I diiid it" fame) - just in case you don't know what I'm talking about:


BUT MY BIGGEST PROBLEM WITH IT IS THIS:


QUEEN LATIFAH USED TO BE F*CKING AMAZING.

NB I had to get this video off Dailymotion because someone has requested the embeddable link be removed from Youtube...personally I think it was the aliens who have clearly abducted the real Queen Latifah...

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